Sunday, December 19, 2010

Healing is in Your hands.

You've been out of my prayers for a while now. Welcome back.

It's funny how all this turned out. Our relationship ending in two different outcomes for both of us. You turned to anything you could to take you further and further away from the Lord. Running towards things of this world that provided instant gratification. Hurting people who loved you and truly cared. Disrespecting yourself and giving up. I talked to my Father about you all the time. Telling Him how much potential you had, and trying to convince Him that you really did love Him and know who He is, but you were just running. Running away from your Father. Your REAL father. I remember asking Him to fix you while our paths were separate, and if it was meant to be to bring you back to me, because I couldn't change you. I could have never changed you. And time passed and now I'm definitely different. Our experience made me stronger, harder. A little bitter towards young relationships in general, but more importantly more cautious. It made me think twice before jumping into things. And I now know to love with a smart heart. To give that beautiful organ away sparingly. I'm still deciding whether or not that's a good thing. We're told to love abundantly, well I'm still learning how. I can't get this "it's not worth it" attitude out of my head, and I hate that, because I know it will be. Someday. I absolutely can not wait, but I won't give in until I'm sure.

And this all comes back to me now, because I finally see the connections. Everything falls into place, and all those "why" questions I asked myself so many times are now answered. I realize that He has eyes that see past, present, and future, and mine can only see each moment individually. Each of us can only see through our own tunnels, and our horns are blaring so loudly it's hard for us to hear others speak, much less His voice. It's like we're all connected to some thread of life, and it's impossible for us to see where we'll be knotted together or looped in the same needle. But one thing is certain-we are all connected. And we can't see the connections. Only He can. Thank God only He can. I'd probably have an anxiety attack if I knew what I had comin'. Two years ago I would have tried to change what ended up happening, but then I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't think like I do, and laugh like I do, and thank like I do.

Now I can pray for you without crying, and think about you without wishing things were different, and that's what healing is all about. And I believe that He can bring about what's best for you even out of dumb decisions you make. That's why you're in my prayers tonight. Make yourself at home. You're welcome as long as you'd like.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Peace Love Relaxation

Well, this has definitely been my hardest semester in college. Just look at my October posts and you'll think I was depressed or something. Maybe I was, who knows, that word's pretty relative anyway. Nevertheless, I made it through! I am so thankful I made it through. And I'm still sane! ...I think. But regardless of how tough this semester was-mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally-the Lord never gave up on me. He was my joy when I felt so alone and exhausted. His word encouraged me to persevere and keep on pushing when I was so close to my limit. The joy that I have in Him was the only thing that I could cling to when my happiness and comfortability in this world didn't fulfill. At the end of the long days that were so very frequent I could lay my head back, close my eyes, and rest peacefully knowing that everything will be okay. I don't think I'll ever appreciate that enough-His peace. It passes all understanding, and even in the midst of all the crazy things this world puts us through, it is the glue that holds us together. When our confidence has been broken into 10 different pieces, it brings 10 people's kind words to lift us up. When we don't make a grade that is good enough for our standards, He sweetly whispers that He doesn't care if I'm "good enough". I take this love and peace for granted all too often, but looking back on this past semester, I couldn't be more grateful. Goodbye busyness, hello relaxation.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Are you dependable?

Dependability is so rare nowadays. It's such a crucial quality that people should strive for, yet no one seems to understand it's importance. I have been so frustrated lately with the lack of trustworthiness that has been so evident in my life for the past week. I've also been guilty of being undependable, so it's not generated towards one specific person, but man! I just can not get a break. And it's not like I'm begging people to do things and they end up not coming through. It's when people offer to do things, or assure me that they'll be there, and they don't follow through. Let your yes be yes and your no be no people! Geez, why is it so hard for us to commit? To keep out word no matter what. Everything is so relative, so unstable, and based on feelings. Just chasing after the wind. So frustrating. So sad. Maybe it's just the way I was raised. Maybe I just have extremely high expectations of people. Impossible expectations. Maybe I just put too much faith in people. Actions and words are so far apart that neither can be trusted. Ughh. I feel like I, myself, am the only one I can rely on. And that is wayy too much responsibility.

Thank you, Lord, for being the rock that I can build on. Only You are stable and firm. If only You could send me some of Your pebbles to help me build. I can't do this alone.