It's not worth giving pieces of my heart out, and being vulnerable to pain.
It's not worth inconsistency, uncertainty, or shame.
It's not worth being lied to, feeling inadequate, or being let down.
It's not worth getting my hopes up, leaving me hopeless in a torn gown.
It's not worth all the memories, the expectations, or regrets.
Not even worth the chasing, deceiving, or forgets.
It's not worth giving it everything I've got, just to find out later you've moved on.
As much as I want to believe I'm the exception, the truth is I'm just another fish in the pond.
Because even though the laughing, smoothies, smiles, texts, phone calls, flirting, loving, giving, hugging, pursuing, and fun are as wonderful as they seem.
It's really just not worth getting hurt to me.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
A group of friends and I call this past weekend the Failtacular Frenzy, basically because everything that could go wrong went wrong. I'm not even going to try to explain all that happened, because it would be useless complaining and wasted words. However, I did learn something huge about myself-I'm too much of a problem solver.
I hate the fact that I am clumsy, forgetful, and careless with words. I hate the fact that I am never certain of the things the Lord is doing for my safety, or the devil is doing for my aggravation. I hate that I am so very neglectful of my time spent with the Lord, talking or just listening. I hate that the people that mean the most to me feel abandoned because of my full plate. And finally, I hate the fact that even though I know the Lord is sovereign, I still worry and panic.
These are just a few of the "problems" of being me. And I'm a problem solver, so I want to fix it all. Yesterday at the lake, I was not able to fix a single problem that occurred, leaving me very downhearted and defeated. "It's not your fault," many would say. But yes, many things could have been prevented had I not been so forgetful. However, there were some things that were out of my control, and for that I was frustrated and thankful.
There are good things to being a problem solver-like loving to untie knots, do wordsearches, come up with inventive ways to solve brainteasers-but unfortunately those things aren't always the problems. Also, having a problem-solving personality totally clashes with God's sovereignty.
I have always been taken back by people who have lived very hard lives, lived in poverty, been through long-relationship breakups, and have many more problems than I do, rejoicing and living like they have no care in the world. But I've just realized that that's the beauty of joy. That's the beauty of Christ-realizing how imperfect I am, and how much perfection He shows. Knowing that He is more concerned about the development of my character than the assurance of my comfort.
Even though I still will try my hardest to fix all these "problems" in my life, I know that I can't fix everything. Change is very good, but even we can't change our sinful nature. It was born in us, it eats at us, and it's our default. But as we impatiently wait for the day when the consequences of it will be completely gone, we can hope in the Lord. We can ask Him to change us, ask Him to fix our problems. He will.
But until then I'll still be playing with puzzles.