Lately, I’ve been feeling sort of fake. I think it comes with the job description, you know, being an actor and all. Just going through the motions, not allowing any outside feeling or situation affect me too much. Always being aware of my facial expression, what others see when they look at me, questioning every action, thought, word. Being critical about every situation, every person, my motives, emotions during worship. I feel like I’m getting caught up in everything, and catching nothing.
My heart is deceiving me. It’s longing after things that are not eternal, and although in my head I know where I stand with the Lord, my heart is not satisfied in Him. I can’t become satisfied in Him by myself. Sure, I could try. I could act like I’m falling in love, but I don’t want that. I want to truly desire the Lover of My Soul more than any attention, any person, or any feeling. I don’t want to just feel like I’m worshipping. Or feel like I’m talking to Him. Or feel like I’m serving. I want to act in spirit and in truth.
So I rest on His promises.
“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with action and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.” -1 John 3:19-20
You are not the most important thing in this life to me. I believe Your will is, but not truly seeking Your face. I’ve chosen so many things over You time and time again, and I’m sorry for that. I want You to change me, so that I would long to genuinely enjoy You. I want to experience true satisfaction and pleasure and joy in our relationship. I want to love You more than anything on this earth. I want to treasure the kingdom of heaven so much that I’d willingly sell everything in order to get it. I need to give myself up. I am not strong enough to love You and walk with You on my own. I can’t do it, and I need You. I need You deeply and desperately. I believe You are worth it, that You are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next. I want You. And when I don’t, I want to want You. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have Your way with me.
(excerpts from Crazy Love, by Francis Chan)