Waiting Here For You

Lately I feel as if everything I do is not good enough compared to what I could be doing, everything I see reminds me of a need far greater than anything I could ever imagine, and everything I have pales in comparison to the joy that I could have by having nothing. Poverty and need in foreign countries affects my heart wayy too much. Seeing all the blog posts, tweets, facebook statuses, videos, pictures, and stories of mission projects occurring overseas just scratches the relentless itch I have to help. I hope I can one day. Christ has put this longing in my heart that I can't wait to be filled. Nothing can satisfy it. Not here. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my life and all the blessings God has placed in it. But at the end of the day, I can only be thankful that it's preparing me for the time when I can go. My ugly selfishness is often angry with the Lord, not trusting His timing and love for His children. Not just His poor, famished, seemingly God-forsaken children, but ALL of them. The ones I come in contact with every day. They need His love too, right? I can't seem to get that. So I struggle with patience and contentment, actively waiting on the Lord and anticipating the day when Christ decides I'm ready.

"Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality." Romans 12:11-13

College Night Yeah!

Well, I haven't blogged in a while, because my life has been completely absorbed by this little thing called College Night. Actually, it's kind of a big deal. For those who don't know, College Night is Montevallo's Homecoming- one of the oldest homecoming traditions in the U.S. The entire school splits into two sides-Purple and Gold (I'm Gold!)-and competitions between the two occur throughout the entire month after we get back from Christmas break. Points are awarded for the winners in each category. We compete in sports-volleyball, soccer, and basketball-but most of the points come from a theatrical production put on by both sides. It is written, casted, directed, choreographed, designed, costumed, and performed by students only. So, while we are taking 12+ hours of school, participating in Greek life and trying to get decent sleep, we are practicing 6+ hours a day during the week and all day on the weekends (including that 24 hour cue-to-cue). It truly is a miracle that we survive! But that's beside the point.

Although College Night is very overwhelming, and sometimes almost unbearable, it is the most exhilarating, incredible, fun, creative thing I have ever been a part of. The result of those 4 weeks of hard work overcompensates for the fatigue you feel every single day. At the beginning, it makes a month seem so long, like the performance couldn't come fast enough. Then after it's over, you can not believe you did all that work in such a short amount of time.

We perform the show Wednesday-Saturday, with the Saturday night show being judged. Both groups stand on stage and wait in terrible anticipation for the announcement. I'm talkin' hands held, knees shaking, no breathing anticipation. Then comes one side's catch phrase which is hidden in some long speech by the SGA President. One side goes absolutely nuts and makes complete fools of themselves while the other side stands in utter shock. Each person involved works incredibly hard on their specific task, so the realization of a loss is really heartbreaking-believe me, I felt it last year. However, both sides have victory parties, because either way it's a huge accomplishment to put on such a show, and then we have strike the next day. The winning side gets bragging rights and certain privileges for the entire year.

Then you begin to miss those people with which you created this masterpiece. That's probably the best element of CN. The people. Together you've experienced excitement when you first read through the script, body ache after the first practice, disappointment when you have to redo a number, delusion during those wee hours of the morning, sweet words of encouragement when you think you can't go on, and that unexplainable feeling when you've won a victory. This year it was a Gold Victory (GV!), and I couldn't be more thrilled.

I say all that to 1. inform people about College Night and 2. to tell about the particular experience I had this year. Last year, the time consumption of CN totally wiped out any time I had to spend with the Lord. When I wasn't in practice or class, I would do homework or sleep. And although I knew the Lord was still with me, I really didn't acknowledge Him all that much. After a realization at Passion '11, I knew I could not go through this CN the same way. I realized that the chains I had holding my hands and feet, the chains of school and CN, must be wrapped around the Big Chain holding my heart. That NO MATTER WHAT my life must be linked with Christ. So I set a goal to begin CN practices by reading a word of scripture or simply praying with the whole cast. I told the Ecclesia leadership team and they kept me accountable. It amazed me how much bringing the Lord into our practices changed attitudes, made people work harder, and kept the complaining down. The cast was so encouraging, and instead of leaving practice drained, I came to practice drained and left in high spirits. It really was a cast filled with God's presence, and I definitely think that played into our victory. I was also able to use things I learned from working Student Life last summer to really invest in my castmates' lives and love on them. I know that even if we didn't win, my month would not have been for nothing.

The Lord uses each and every one of us in ways we can't even imagine, and I know this month He worked through me. Mechay was tired, disappointed, stressed to the max, angry, impatient, brain-dead, and ready to quit. But the Lord was revived, encouraging, calm, content, joyful, patient, creative, and persevering for me. And He MADE me be that for others. Thank you, Jesus, and GV!

You're not alone.

For those who feel as if you give until there's nothing left.

For those who never see the result of your giving.

For those who feel alone in a group of 30 so called "Christians".

For those who try to stay in communion with the Lord and believers, but it just seems impossible.

For those who think you are the only ones who read your Bibles every day.

For those who are overly committed and underly prayed up.

For those who view the world as evil waiting to happen.

For those who tire from waiting on Jesus.

For those who are confused about religion, and just want the relationship.

For those who feel that there will never be anyone good enough.

For those who feel that you will never be good enough for anyone.

For those who rarely see a man or woman lead the way God intended us to lead.

For those who feel poor, and therefore useless.

For those who's dream career is too far out of reach.

For those who have chosen love over money.

For those who have chosen singleness over settling.

For those who can't see the impact you are having in the world.

Last Monday, I stood in an arena packed with 16,000+ students, with a little over 6,000 in the next room, who all just wanted JESUS. With hands raised high and hearts fully open, we were worshipping the King who will return one day to save His people. No matter the race, gender, or denomination, we all praised the One who made us and enables us to breathe. And we gave. Check out this info:

Giglio updates the results:

Over the four days of Passion 2011 Atlanta, over 22,000+ were rocked to the core and united for the world. We were challenged to partner with amazing organizations to fund ten local/global causes at a cost of $470,000.
Here’s what happened:

Cause//Goal//Given

Homeless//Towels and Socks for Atlanta area shelters. Given: 18,400 towels and 88,000 pairs of socks!
Clean water//$75,000 for 15 wells in villages in India. Given: 24 wells!
Micro-finance//200 small business loans for Afghan entrepreneurs totaling $40,000.
Given: 387 loans!
Bibles//20,000 New Testaments to unreached in Colombia at $20,000. Given: 31,554 New Testaments!
Feeding Children//Feed 1,000 at risk children in South Africa for one year at $50,000. Given: Feeding 2,225 children!
Homes//Build 15 homes in Haiti at $54,000. Given: 39 homes!
Sponsor Children//Sponsor 150 children and provide family essentials at a cost of $100,00. Given: 442 children sponsored!
Human trafficking//Restoration and a future for 10 girls trapped in sex slavery in Bolivia at a cost of $36,000. Given: 22 girls rescued/restored!
Surgeries for Children//$50,000 to fund 50 Hydrocephalus surgeries in Uganda. Given: 141 surgeries!
Rescue women//$45,000 to fund 10 rescue operations to free sex slaves in the Philippines (each operation frees 15 women on average). Given: 29 rescue operations!
Plus, College fund for Haitian earthquake survivor, Therissa Leo. Given: $23,106!
(This was not planned beforehand or factored into the $470,000 goal.)

Total Given at Passion 2011 Atlanta: $1,167,249.24
If you are wondering if your eyes are playing tricks on you, students/leaders/volunteers at Passion 2011 Atl gave over $1.1 million for the last and least of these in Jesus’ name. While the dollar amount is staggering, we cannot begin to quantify the intangible value of students connecting with those who will benefit from these gifts by writing a note/prayer to women being rescued, praying over a Bible or weeping for a family or a nation.

Do Something Now = worship + justice, what we believe God wants most from us. Something beautiful has shifted and we will never be the same. Stay connected and share Do Something Now with your friends and family who were not a part of Passion 2011 Atlanta at our new site: DoSomethingNow.com.

This gave me so much hope. There are people who care, and there is a movement for Jesus happening all over the world right now. You are not alone in this. There are at least 22,000+ people along with you proclaiming the Gospel. Don't give up.

Healing is in Your hands.

You've been out of my prayers for a while now. Welcome back.

It's funny how all this turned out. Our relationship ending in two different outcomes for both of us. You turned to anything you could to take you further and further away from the Lord. Running towards things of this world that provided instant gratification. Hurting people who loved you and truly cared. Disrespecting yourself and giving up. I talked to my Father about you all the time. Telling Him how much potential you had, and trying to convince Him that you really did love Him and know who He is, but you were just running. Running away from your Father. Your REAL father. I remember asking Him to fix you while our paths were separate, and if it was meant to be to bring you back to me, because I couldn't change you. I could have never changed you. And time passed and now I'm definitely different. Our experience made me stronger, harder. A little bitter towards young relationships in general, but more importantly more cautious. It made me think twice before jumping into things. And I now know to love with a smart heart. To give that beautiful organ away sparingly. I'm still deciding whether or not that's a good thing. We're told to love abundantly, well I'm still learning how. I can't get this "it's not worth it" attitude out of my head, and I hate that, because I know it will be. Someday. I absolutely can not wait, but I won't give in until I'm sure.

And this all comes back to me now, because I finally see the connections. Everything falls into place, and all those "why" questions I asked myself so many times are now answered. I realize that He has eyes that see past, present, and future, and mine can only see each moment individually. Each of us can only see through our own tunnels, and our horns are blaring so loudly it's hard for us to hear others speak, much less His voice. It's like we're all connected to some thread of life, and it's impossible for us to see where we'll be knotted together or looped in the same needle. But one thing is certain-we are all connected. And we can't see the connections. Only He can. Thank God only He can. I'd probably have an anxiety attack if I knew what I had comin'. Two years ago I would have tried to change what ended up happening, but then I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't think like I do, and laugh like I do, and thank like I do.

Now I can pray for you without crying, and think about you without wishing things were different, and that's what healing is all about. And I believe that He can bring about what's best for you even out of dumb decisions you make. That's why you're in my prayers tonight. Make yourself at home. You're welcome as long as you'd like.

Peace Love Relaxation

Well, this has definitely been my hardest semester in college. Just look at my October posts and you'll think I was depressed or something. Maybe I was, who knows, that word's pretty relative anyway. Nevertheless, I made it through! I am so thankful I made it through. And I'm still sane! ...I think. But regardless of how tough this semester was-mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally-the Lord never gave up on me. He was my joy when I felt so alone and exhausted. His word encouraged me to persevere and keep on pushing when I was so close to my limit. The joy that I have in Him was the only thing that I could cling to when my happiness and comfortability in this world didn't fulfill. At the end of the long days that were so very frequent I could lay my head back, close my eyes, and rest peacefully knowing that everything will be okay. I don't think I'll ever appreciate that enough-His peace. It passes all understanding, and even in the midst of all the crazy things this world puts us through, it is the glue that holds us together. When our confidence has been broken into 10 different pieces, it brings 10 people's kind words to lift us up. When we don't make a grade that is good enough for our standards, He sweetly whispers that He doesn't care if I'm "good enough". I take this love and peace for granted all too often, but looking back on this past semester, I couldn't be more grateful. Goodbye busyness, hello relaxation.

Are you dependable?

Dependability is so rare nowadays. It's such a crucial quality that people should strive for, yet no one seems to understand it's importance. I have been so frustrated lately with the lack of trustworthiness that has been so evident in my life for the past week. I've also been guilty of being undependable, so it's not generated towards one specific person, but man! I just can not get a break. And it's not like I'm begging people to do things and they end up not coming through. It's when people offer to do things, or assure me that they'll be there, and they don't follow through. Let your yes be yes and your no be no people! Geez, why is it so hard for us to commit? To keep out word no matter what. Everything is so relative, so unstable, and based on feelings. Just chasing after the wind. So frustrating. So sad. Maybe it's just the way I was raised. Maybe I just have extremely high expectations of people. Impossible expectations. Maybe I just put too much faith in people. Actions and words are so far apart that neither can be trusted. Ughh. I feel like I, myself, am the only one I can rely on. And that is wayy too much responsibility.

Thank you, Lord, for being the rock that I can build on. Only You are stable and firm. If only You could send me some of Your pebbles to help me build. I can't do this alone.

Free Falling

"So Christ has truly set us free.

Now make sure that you stay free,

and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law."

Galatians 5:1

I am free to ignore the world's lies of beauty. The ones that tell me that I must dress immodestly and without class to get a man's attention. The One who made the warm sunrise and the multicolored fishes of the sea calls me beautiful. It's incomprehensible to me. What could compare?

I am free to tune out the whispers of self-consciousness telling me that I'm not good enough. That I must do more, say more, be more. That in order for me to get a guy that meets all my standards, I must be the "perfect" example of a Christian. Or even more, the whispers that tell me my standards are too high, and they will never be fulfilled. We all fail, every second of every day, so perfection should not even be in our word bank to describe ourselves-or others for that matter. It's impossible. However, He is perfect, and the path He is leading me down has the perfect rainbows I need to see and the perfect obstacles I need to conquer.

I am free to not be upset when things don't work out as planned, or things don't go my way. When I have no control of a situation and fight everything in me to be patient and trust. When I try to do things myself, Christ becomes "of no value" to me, I fall away from grace, and I lose hope.

I am free of being deceived by lies, insincerity, and the unknown. We have been given a spirit of discernment (Phil. 1:9-11) to protect us from heartbreak, deception, and suspiciousness.

I am free to sing at the top of my lungs even the most horrible of noises, knowing that I was given my voice and tongue to please my Father, not mere men. Insecurities and second-guessing can be wiped away, remembering the reason for our gifts. Because Your love is better than life my lips shall praise You.

Although I have been given freedom from the things of this world, and freedom from Satan's terrible lies, so very often I still live in slavery to them.

I want to freely fall in love with Him. Lord, please push me.