I have rotten ears. Not in the literal sense, of course, but figuratively it describes my newest challenge.

Think of an apple. If an apple is not eaten and used to fulfill it's purpose (provide nutrients for the human body) it begins to rot and decay, leaving it nasty and useless. This is how I feel my "listening ears" have become. I have realized this week that I am an awful listener. Most of the time when someone is talking to me, I'm thinking about the next thing I'm going to say. How rude! Our ears are supposed to be used for listening to others and learning about others' needs, wants, experiences. If I'm so focused on me, how can I ever truly sympathize with someone, relate to someone, hear someone. Maybe it's not even me thinking about myself, but being concerned with my cellphone, the Internet, or someone else. I know if the tables were swapped and I was the one being treated like this, I would feel very inadequate and unheard.

My newest challenge is to really listen- even to the point of sharing in others' joy and pain. I'm turning my listening ears on.

ORANGE, ORANGE, ORANGE, ORANGE!

Here it is. The blog I've been waiting so long to write. The blog description of my summer.

Honestly, it's impossible for me to describe my summer in a word, a sentence, or even 5 pages. It was an experience that unless you were there, you couldn't understand. I feel like that's how everyone's summer was. Even the people that I was with this summer had different experiences and came out differently changed than me. But maybe, as I tell you the aftermath of the summer, you can get a feel of what it was like for me, and how I've been changed.

Arriving in Birmingham on Friday, August 6th, with the team I had spent 75 days enduring, ministering, and loving with, was as surreal as leaving my family and friends for three months of work with 25 people I did not know. I say this, because at the beginning of the summer that's what I thought I was doing-leaving home to work a simple job that would be over in three months. Yeah, I would get to know the people, and I would travel to many different states and see many places I had never seen before. And yes, I would leave with a pretty good paycheck, only to return to Alabama with the same plan and goals I'd had for years.

Later that Friday evening with only one of my team members riding beside me, I returned home. Thankfully, I was able to ease into real life, as Nabo and I got pedicures, went to Walmart (without a time limit!), watched the End of the Year video, and cried our way through Dear John. We went to bed around 9:30, easily drifting into sleep in my cozy bed. The next day, we met her mom for lunch, and I drove back home. I was by myself, driving, and not on a schedule-three things that had been remotely impossible for the 75 days prior. Surprisingly, I was okay. I didn't even cry.

Then came Sunday. It hit me sitting in the pew of my home church. I was only a couple rows over from where I gave my life to Christ, my brother sitting beside me, watching my mom play the piano as beautifully as ever, surrounded by people who love me. But it hit me. It took all I had not to stand up and run out, knowing that I was about to start the ugly cry. Sitting in a church that I had grown up in, watching the same people do pretty much the same thing, with about the same enthusiasm they've always had. Not saying that their worship was fake, or that the Spirit was stagnant, but it was all just so familiar. EVERYTHING that I had experienced for the last three months had been unfamiliar, new, and life-changing. I was used to participating in every service, hearing new modern worship songs played every morning and evening, and seeing the Lord move in so many different ways that I didn't know how to handle it. It wasn't strange to see students and leaders running out of the service, so they could confess, repent, and surrender to their convictions. I was accustomed to worshipping and ministering beside people whose heart beat to the same tune as mine, and equally, if not more, pursued the Lord's face daily. Everything was amazing. Everything was a blessing. Everything was a miracle waiting to happen.

I knew it would be hard returning back to normalcy after such an incredible summer. It's in the little things, like accidently bumping someone in line at a restaurant and not apologizing, because you were used to having your team surrounding you at all times. Like needing gaf tape to make a label for something and not having any. Like wanting to put drape up around the stage at your church, because the bare screens annoy you. Like thinking you're dreaming, because you're spending time with your brother. And finally, thinking constantly about what the other 25 people you experienced this with are doing throughout the day.

But back to the life-change. During the summer, the Lord really opened my eyes to how much I love ministry and serving Him. At one point during the summer I was ready to go straight into the mission when I returned home. Pack up my bags and move to Africa-thinking that it would be the only way to serve the Lord like he wanted. Satan knew that I was weak, and so he constantly sat on my shoulder and told me that I was being selfish staying in America and getting an education. I was very emotionally unstable and fearful of what God's plan for my life might be, so I confessed to my team my fears and asked for prayer. I am so thankful that I was given boldness for this, because through my brothers and sisters, my Heavenly Father began to speak. The words of advice spoken to me directed me towards insight and understanding, which ultimately brought my heart peace. Because sometimes we get in our minds what "missions" looks like. We get our concept of how we would best serve our Maker, but that might not be the path God wants us to take. I know that I want to serve in another country someday, but that doesn't mean I need to be ignorant and move to another country without investigation. The Lord of compassion gave me community, showing me that I'm not alone, and many other of my team members have the same yearnings and desires as me. He gave me a new trust in Him, and the desire to wake up every day and ask Him to use me as His disciple in whichever way He sees fit. He gave me the peace to return to school okay with the fact that I might not want to pursue dentistry, but maybe teaching, or maybe something else, but just the peace to be okay with uncertainty.

He also gave me 25 brothers and sisters who taught me, invested in me, and ministered to me in ways I could have never imagined. For that I am grateful, and because of them I am forever changed.

So as this summer ends, and I return back to "real life" and school, I have a new understanding, knowledge, and desire to truly seek Abba, our Heavenly Father, His work, His people and His will daily. All I have left to say is thank you. I love you, OT'10.

Guided by Love.

Growing up, I always wanted to be the best at everything I did. I lived by the verse, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not men...", which I still believe, by all means, but in turn, I became very prideful. I wanted to be perfect, I mean, after all, God says to be perfect as He is perfect, right? I thought doing everything right was the only way to be a better Christian. I was wrong.

Ben Stuart spoke last night about the difference between obeying a standard, or being guided by love. Obeying a standard includes making a list of things that spiritual people do, and thinking that by doing these things, you also may be more spiritual and in tune with Christ. So there are three things that might happen after making this list: 1. You get tired of living by someone else's rules and standards and you give up. 2. You stick with it, but because you can never be good enough, you spend most of your life defeated and withdrawn. Or 3. You follow every rule, do everything right, and you know the name of every person who doesn't. And you become prideful. NONE OF WHICH IS CHRISTIANITY.

Option three was my issue. However, I knew I was "supposed" to be humble, so I didn't show the self-praise I had built up inside. But it was there, oh yeah, it was there. I made sure I was at every church service, I read my Bible every night, I never drank, cussed, smoked, and I frowned on every person that did. I was wrong.

Thankfully, God grabbed my heart a few years ago, and I've never been the same. I had so much guilt and shame for my foolishness and lack of love. Because the truth is, going to church every Sunday and reading our Bibles every night just to check something off the list isn't true Christianity. It's not seeking God's face everyday, or being more like Jesus. It's not being guided by love.

Being guided by love means "[seeking] FIRST His kingdom and righteousness". And then, we'll want to obey Christ, and we'll want to enter into His holy sanctuary, we'll want to hear from Him through His word, and we'll want to do everything as if we're working for the Lord. It won't be some list of standards to maintain.

Being guided by love means walking slowly to make sure an opportunity isn't missed, talking with Christ about even the little things in life, being more concerned about the body of Christ than what's going on tomorrow, or spending time investing in people's lives and not worrying about the fact that you need to be at dinner in five minutes.

I say all this because I still struggle with it. I'm a huge planner, and so to be guided by love and not time, or agenda, or order is tough sometimes. It's something Christ is changing within me, and I wanted to make sure to remember what He's doing.

Goodnight.

My Week Full of His Strength

Week 6 in Cedarville, Ohio has truly been a roller coaster.

It began with a nice Fourth of July celebration with my teammates. Although the bittersweet feeling of not being with my family at the lake for the holiday crossed my mind numerous times that day, it was refreshing to spend the day with some of the most wonderful people I've ever known. It also made me realize that it's okay to change things up sometimes. Great people, barbeque, and fireworks never disappoint.

The next few days dragged on as tiredness and fatigue set in, making it miserable to wake up in the morning. I missed my alarm three days in a row, but thankfully my roommates made sure I got to devo on time. I haven't been feeling well lately, and to make a long story short, after a little research, I suspected that my thyroid might be acting up. I'd hoped it was nothing, but I figured I'd get it checked out anyway. I got an appointment at a nearby family practice, and hopefully I'll get the results back soon. One thing I wanted to touch on, however, was this doctor's office. On one of the papers I had to fill out before I went in asked if I would like prayer today. I figured I'd check yes, and they would maybe mention my name to the Big Man in their prayers that evening, or maybe they'd lift me up quickly as they scanned the pages looking for my insurance card information (after all, I didn't come in for anything TOO serious). But no, before the doctor left, she asked to pray for me. She spoke such words of kindness and blessing over our ministry that I couldn't help but tear up a bit. Thanks for the reassurance of prayer warriors, Lord, we all need that sometimes.

Rewinding a bit, Tuesday night I had one of those "life-changing moments". After reading a few blogs from a missionary in Uganda that I follow, I sat in bed for probably ten minutes sobbing heartbroken tears. She speaks of her life in Uganda and the feelings she has when she comes back to the states to fundraise or visit her family. She speaks of how Christ works through her village and uses her in ways she will never understand. And finally, she speaks of her dependence on her Father, Abba. She logically can not explain where a lot of her funding comes from, how she pays most of her bills, or how she is the adoptive mother for twenty-some-odd little girls. She is totally and completely dependent on the Provider. How amazing it would be to see God's hand like that in our lives. I began to think about what that would mean for me, and it terrified me. I've felt God urging my heart more and more towards missions and serving somewhere else, but I'm so fearful. I want to be ready to follow where ever He leads, whatever that entails. The only thing that keeps me hopeful is that my very existence is dependent on the Provider. Why worry about where I am, or what I'm doing? He's sustaining my every breath. The only thing I can do is take His mission one day at a time and offer every hour, minute, second to Him.

And lastly, tonight. Have you ever been in a worship service where you felt like you couldn't do enough to praise? If you haven't, I hope you do one day. I felt like I couldn't sing loud enough, I couldn't jump high enough, and I couldn't reach far enough. I wanted to smile, laugh, cry, sing, dance, scream, shout. I couldn't hold it in. I honestly feel like my heart and soul were united with the Spirit that obviously had control of the room. But yet, in my earthly nature, I was still flawed, sinful, separated, grounded. Man, I can't wait till Heaven, for "when Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation, and take me home, what joy shall fill my heart. Then I shall bow, in humble adoration, and then proclaim: 'My God, how great Thou art!'"

But to sum this all up, it's just been a wonderful week. Without staffers, our team really had to go the extra mile and take care of each other. And we did it. Many of us were able to enter into completely opposite worlds of camp and come out with new perspectives and new found respect for our teammates.

"Now the body is not made up of one part but of many...But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be."

-1 Corinthians 12:12-18

I have an inspirational team and an indescribable Lord. Man, what a great week.

Crazy Love

Lately, I’ve been feeling sort of fake. I think it comes with the job description, you know, being an actor and all. Just going through the motions, not allowing any outside feeling or situation affect me too much. Always being aware of my facial expression, what others see when they look at me, questioning every action, thought, word. Being critical about every situation, every person, my motives, emotions during worship. I feel like I’m getting caught up in everything, and catching nothing.

My heart is deceiving me. It’s longing after things that are not eternal, and although in my head I know where I stand with the Lord, my heart is not satisfied in Him. I can’t become satisfied in Him by myself. Sure, I could try. I could act like I’m falling in love, but I don’t want that. I want to truly desire the Lover of My Soul more than any attention, any person, or any feeling. I don’t want to just feel like I’m worshipping. Or feel like I’m talking to Him. Or feel like I’m serving. I want to act in spirit and in truth.

So I rest on His promises.

“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with action and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything.” -1 John 3:19-20

Lord,

You are not the most important thing in this life to me. I believe Your will is, but not truly seeking Your face. I’ve chosen so many things over You time and time again, and I’m sorry for that. I want You to change me, so that I would long to genuinely enjoy You. I want to experience true satisfaction and pleasure and joy in our relationship. I want to love You more than anything on this earth. I want to treasure the kingdom of heaven so much that I’d willingly sell everything in order to get it. I need to give myself up. I am not strong enough to love You and walk with You on my own. I can’t do it, and I need You. I need You deeply and desperately. I believe You are worth it, that You are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next. I want You. And when I don’t, I want to want You. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have Your way with me.

(excerpts from Crazy Love, by Francis Chan)

Training Week/Week 1: LA Tech

I just thought I'd share a few quotes, as well as some Scripture, that the Lord has been revealing to me these past two weeks...

"If our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?"

"For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose."-Philippians 2:13

"Whom shall I fear? My help comes from the Lord."

"Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other."

"There is love that never fails, no matter how dark, my God prevails."

"We are not sinners because of what we DO, we are sinners because that's who we ARE outside of the grace and mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ."

"God takes broken pieces and makes masterpieces, and He takes the vulnerable and makes it valuable."

"Let us not be about the American Dream, but about the Kingdom Dream."

"I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, CHRIST DIED FOR NOTHING."-Galatians 2:21

"Religion says that you have to obey the law to get acceptance, but Christianity says that your acceptance leads to obedience and results in a relationship."

"Suffering is a part of God's will for your life."

"Don't isolate yourself, insulate yourself."

Also, God has laid on my heart the joy of sponsoring a child through Compassion International. I would really like to sponsor a girl from a Spanish-speaking country, because since the Lord has given me a love for Spanish, and in wanting to make it my minor, I would be able to help her with English, while she helped me with Spanish. I could visit her sometime, and we would just have that instant commonality. However, while looking through packets, God placed 4 girls on my mind-1 from El Salvador, 1 from Peru, and 2 from Africa-and obviously, I can not sponsor all four. I began to pray for these girls, and asked the Lord which would have the most need. One girl from Africa, Faith, stood out in my mind, and I just can't get her beautiful smile out of my head. Also, another girl from Africa, Joy, stayed on my mind as well. While preaching one evening, Ed Newton spoke the words, "...joy, don't miss this, JOY!" So yeah, that threw me for a loop. A few days later I found out that a girl from my team is sponsoring the girl from Peru, Melissa-an answer to my prayers. So now it's down to the three-Faith, Joy, and Mayra. I'm putting it in the Lord's hands, because if He wants me to sponsor a girl from Africa, then by golly, that girl needs my help, so I will.

Now, I'm sitting in Limon, Colorado, about to experience my second week at camp in Estes Park, Colorado starting Monday. I'm a little nervous about altitude sickness, but hopefully everything will be fine. I'm still so very thankful for my wonderful team, and I'm super excited about the rest of the summer. My prayer is for safe travel, and teenagers lives to be changed this week.

Much Love.

Awesome God

To sit and see a worship leader standing with hands raised, worshiping his Savior during PRACTICE is an AWEsome moment. The word awesome literally means amazing, inspiring, full of awe, admiration, or wonder. So I ask myself, what am I in awe of? At that moment, David Walker was in awe of the Almighty God, the Creator of the Universe, the Lover of our Souls, the Maker of our hearts. At that moment, Christ was sufficient. At that moment, standing in awe of our Lord showed what really matters in this life. That one moment spoke volumes. My response?

Praise.

What else can you do? When someone else is directing their heart towards Christ, how could I not? HE is the only worth my affection. HE is the only one worth my heart. HE is the only one worth my awe.